Tam n pups winter trip 2022

Gina M said:
My heart goes out to you and your beautiful dogs Tam. This is a very difficult time for you and I don't think your sister realises what losing your mum will do to you, not just her death but not having your base anymore. It is so hard to deal with this. I got so tired of it all when my mum was dying I took a weekend away and that is the weekend she died. I didn't feel guilty at all as I am convinced she was so relieved she didn't have to make the effort every day to perk herself up and get dressed for me that she just relaxed and let her body take over. Take care and don't feel guilty.
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I'm just told " your choice " whenever I mention that.

My sister offered ( after my mum's obviously said something to her) the other week for me to use her address.

But in truth I'm reluctant as everytime there was the slightest fall out or I didn't jump to her string pulling I'd be threatened with losing that privilege and I hate feeling indebted to anyone , so I will need to figure something else out and that only adds to my worries.

I also know as soon as mum goes my sister will have the house on the market as she has power of attorney and control of mums bank etc , and I'll be politely asked to park elsewhere because it won't look good to potential buyers etc ....I know this is coming which is why I'm flustered about getting the things done on the van I need sorted before winter comes and I have to move.

I'm also stressed trying to clear all the stuff I had stored here before time runs out too.

It probably all sounds meaningless to most folk and I know I chose to live in a van etc and it's no one else's responsibility but it still causes me worry and stress , choices I made when circumstances were different are not things to be thrown at me at the moment but that's what I'm up against. I just want to do right by mum in her last week's and I'm horrified that she had to hear that argument tonight and hate to think that's what will be on her mind. I feel terrible and I can't wait till tomorrow till I can try to apologise to mum and make sure she knows I love her and none of this is her fault , she knows my sister is a bossy bugger , she has had the wrath and fall outs herself many times and so has my brother

Anyway tomorrow is another day
 
Northernraider just want to point out that power of attorney will no longer be in force when your mum has gone. Perhaps one of the Scots in the know can confirm, as Scots and English laws are different.Do hope sister is not the sole executor.
She too will be hurting and we do tend to lash out at those closest to us.
So sad your mum had to witness the outburst too. sending hugs all I can do.
 
Sorry to hear about your troubles and I can sympathise, as I said before I lost my mam to dementia and it was long, slow and horrible, but you can only do your best and not beat yourself up

I’m sorry it’s not working out with your sister, I was lucky l sorted everything out with mine amicably but I wasn’t in the same situation with vans etc and regarding the vans and your gear, might it be a short term solution to try and find a storage unit to keep everything in until you can get yourself sorted again and on the road
 
Tam I really feel for you, you can’t do right for doing wrong. I wonder if you can’t manage to go out and do an hours work on your van. Popping in maybe 10 mins to check but explain exactly why to Mum, as she will realise you will have to move on.

Surely the house is split between you and she can’t make you leave after all it’s more your home than hers. Can your brother not help at all?

Thinking of you 💞

Carol
 
Don’t want to be morbid but does your mam have a will, if not it might be prudent for her to think about one, not the best time to bring it up but as others have said, once your mam has gone, POA ceases and whoever is named in the will as executor/executors will take over and nothing can happen without agreement of all the executors

Puddleduck will be able to help she knows her stuff

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Bonsaiman said:
Don’t want to be morbid but does your mam have a will, if not it might be prudent for her to think about one, not the best time to bring it up but as others have said, once your mam has gone, POA ceases and whoever is named in the will as executor/executors will take over and nothing can happen without agreement of all the executors

Puddleduck will be able to help she knows her stuff
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Yes she made a will years back.
 
Tam have you thought of getting a baby monitor? You could listen for your Mum moving/waking/calling for you etc, it would allow you to 'keep and ear' on her without having to be in the room all the time.
 
Tam, this is a horrible time for you all and my heart goes out to you. On a practical note, no house can be sold until confirmation is granted, the equivalent of probate in England, and this takes at least 4 months in my recent experience, longer if there is IHT to pay. Also its the executor who makes the decisions and that will be specified in the will, so maybe have a look if possible. Most lawyers recommend having more than 1 in my experience.

On the caring side try not to stress too much about tasks building up. Make a list and do any that need urgent attention. The rest will still be there when your mum isn’t. I would suggest now that you behave in whatever way you know will leave you with no regrets later. I’ve lost my Mum, Stepdad and Dad in the last 4 years so have become rather too experienced at all this..

sending hugs. Xx
 
This is going to sound hard-hearted Tam but I think it would be useful for you to know where your mum’s will is and to familiarise yourself with the contents if possible. As scotzsue says you need to know who the executor(s) are as they will be the drivers behind how quickly things move. We didn’t dilly-dally when Tim’s mum died (no IHT but in England) and the house sale was done and dusted within 6 months.
 
Tam, it sounds like your waking days are rather like a lot of people’s middle of the night. There is nothing to occupy the mind except worries and what ifs.
A baby monitor or similar is a good idea to be able to talk, answer her etc while you are just outside. You can often get them on Facebook marketplace.

If the house is left to you and your siblings jointly then your sister will just have to put up with you staying there. I suspect her little outburst and your argument together was as a result of her stress at this time too. She may feel you are the favoured one of the siblings swanning off to the sun every winter and coming back to live with Mum not a care in the world while she has house, husband, children, job and all the stress that come with this.
I think when it comes to it, she will automatically take on the Mum role in the family and change a bit.
Tell her your feelings, although not when it is a time of heightened tension between you. Buy some chocolates and a bottle of something she likes just to show her that you care about her too.
 
Oops
 
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Another vote for the baby monitor if you think it will work Tam.
It would be good for you to concentrate on something else, albeit for a few minutes here and there.
As you well know you will have the weather against you too soon, and it would be good to get the van sorted so you can get away whenever that might be.
 
Families are Very difficult sometimes - particularly in these circumstances when everyone's emotion's are heightened.
Maybe find a storage place so when you can you can transfer everything to it and sort it out later.
It sounds like your sister has always been difficult so a stressful time like this will only make it worse.
Sad she had to start on you in front of your mum. She might regret that herself later.
When the time comes, even if she continues to be difficult, you'll have a bit of time to sort out the house and where you'll want to base yourself, even if temporarily.
Another thought. perhaps you could talk to someone on the list the palliative care people gave you without your sister knowing initially. Just to offload a bit yourself and get some support. They've probably had this situation before and may have some ideas. At least it will give you someone to talk to who understands.
I think solicitors can act as the address for you if you haven't got a permanent address in the uk. It might cost but it could be an interim situation.
I feel sorry that you are in this horrible situation. Please feel free to vent it out on here.

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Been a few developments today as mum had an incident on the stairs early morning so I had to fireman's lift her down the stairs. Palliative care have been great and despite mum's worry about it were having a bed installed downstairs as I type this , it's been a busy day of moving furniture around etc and the house is a riot right now.

But at least there should be no more stair dramas
 
It sounds like your Mum has all the care that she wants.

It is YOU that needs some care now.

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With regard to sorting stuff out - in the house you could park your mum in a chair & tell her you need her advice on your stuff & what to throw away etc? At least you’d get some sorting done? She may appreciate being involved - no need to let on why you are sorting stuff out - you just thought it was time? Also, if the weather is nice, could she sit & watch you do something on the van, or is she bound to her bed? I also think the baby monitor is a good idea - you don’t need to sit & watch your mum sleep!
 
Just veering off the subject for a moment.
I noticed this quote of Stonemags76
“I goes to bed thankful, and I wakes up hopeful” - above church door, Anon.
It made me think. Should it be 'I goes to bed hopeful and i wakes up thankful' ?

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StephandJohn said:
Just veering off the subject for a moment.
I noticed this quote of Stonemags76
“I goes to bed thankful, and I wakes up hopeful” - above church door, Anon.
It made me think. Should it be 'I goes to bed hopeful and i wakes up thankful' ?
Click to expand...
I think go to bed thankful for the wonderful day and hopeful for the same day again today:unsure:
 
I had a 'lasting power of attorney ' for my Dad which continued after he died. No idea whether it is different in Scotland?
As said a 'big yellow storage' is what you need & move everything in to that until you wish to sell it.

set up a mailing address like these ;
https://ghostmail.co.uk/?gad=1
There is another many on here use , Boat something??
 
gus-lopez said:
I had a 'lasting power of attorney ' for my Dad which continued after he died. No idea whether it is different in Scotland?
As said a 'big yellow storage' is what you need & move everything in to that until you wish to sell it.

set up a mailing address like these ;
https://ghostmail.co.uk/?gad=1
There is another many on here use , Boat something??
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No idea how you managed that with the LPA as they are invalid as soon as the donor passes away, in your case your Dad. The only thing that gives you any 'authority' is a legal will.

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Hi Tam, Really sorry to hear you’re going through the wringer. Firstly I hope your mum isn’t suffering and I understand your frustration but, on a practical note with your sister, be aware that she may be getting upset because any action she has taken as Attorney may be open to scrutiny after your mum has passed. I would want to find mums Will to see who the Executor/s are and don’t be afraid to ask your sister if it’s not in the house. In my experience siblings can fall out big time when there are missing Wills which just may have gone up the chimney. If sister is the executor download a copy of the actions an Executor needs to complete off the .Gov.Uk website and give it her. It’s amazing the number of Executors who don’t complete the job properly and do a set of accounts showing where everything was and what was spent etc. I have seen executors who have pocketed ££££££££££ because they think they can, if they know that they have to prepare accounts it sometimes kerbs they’re thieving.
I am not suggesting for one minute that your sister will rip you off but if all cards are on the table then less room for upset.
You have our deepest respect for your care giving and give yourself a little time out each day.
 
Northernraider said:
I also know as soon as mum goes my sister will have the house on the market as she has power of attorney and control of mums bank etc , and I'll be politely asked to park elsewhere because it won't look good to potential buyers etc ....I know this is coming which is why I'm flustered about getting the things done on the van I need sorted before winter comes and I have to move.
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Once your Mum passes on the PoA will be null and void so your sister will be stymied:

Ending a power of attorney

Ending a power of attorney
www.publicguardian-scotland.gov.uk

Unless your sister is named as an executor in the Will she can't do a thing, if she is and there are other executors named it may be that they have to act together and aren't allowed to do so separately, you need to have a shuftie at the Will to know for sure. The executor(s) will need to apply for 'confirmation' before anything can be done regarding your Mum's estate, that includes everything and will take time, minimum 3 months I believe.

With regard to timescale read section 13 of the below as an executor can't distribute any assets within 6 months:
www.gov.scot

What to do after a death in Scotland - practical advice for times of bereavement: revised 11th edition 2016 (web only)

General information on what to do after someone dies in Scotland and about succession and inheritance law.
www.gov.scot www.gov.scot

So you should have at least 3 months before you need to even think about vacating as the executor(s) will have to wait for 'confirmation' before they can even put the house on the market and probably a fair bit longer and she won't be able to insist you leave although it would probably be a good idea to move the van when viewings are taking place so the dogs don't get too excited and/or inquisitive and distract buyers.
 
Lenny HB said:
Just to get back to lighter subjects.

Had a MK3 Cortina I thought it was an awful car, auto gearbox was shite, handled like a barge and would change lanes on the motorway on its own.
One of the worst cars I've had.
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Not a fan of automatics I prefer manual boxes. The only auto I liked was my passat cc as it had the dsg box , smoothest fastest changing autobox I've had

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