Ian and helga go south !!

ianthebuilder said:
Ok laird you are lucky! Now for my 3rd date and the most terrifying so far! I was talking over a few weeks online and on the phone to a lovely woman who lived in Boston Lincs, we again arranged to meet, I said 2ocklock on the Friday at a big garden centre just outside of Boston! I had quizzed her on the phone about exes and alcohol etc just now and again in general chat and all was fine! I got there after a 3 and a half hour drive at about 1,45. So it was a nice sunny day and I sat there listening to my car radio, in anticipation of a good day out!! Well 2 o'clock came and went,, twenty past, two thirty so I texted. No reply!! Ok I thought if she's not here by 3 she must have changed her mind. Well I'm standing now outside the car leaning on the offside wing when all of a sudden an old Ford Fiesta with blacked out windows came tearing across the gravel car park and skidded to a halt about ten millimetres from my leg,, I immediately thought here we go,, boyfriend, husband, either way I'm going to be busy in a Second, so I stood upright expecting the worst, the door flew open and out jumped only who I can describe as Ronald McDonald!!!! A huge head of red curly hair, big reddish nose and lots of makeup! She jumped at me grabbed my arm and tried to kiss me saying oh Ian I have been looking forward to this for ages! She still had my arm as I said to her ,, WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU ????? Don't worry Ian we got on so well on the computer it didn't matter that I had my friends picture on my profile !!!!! I was shocked! She would not let me go till I promised to go for a coffee with her and she said there's a cafe in the garden centre! No I said I don't like the coffee in there across the road was a tescoes so I said I'd take her there! She went to climb in my car and I said no babe I will follow you to tescoes I don't want to be responsible for you leaving your car here!! Ok she said but get behind me I won't go fast! Well I was gutted. So I started to follow here, all the time she was looking in her mirror and waving and I had to smile and wave back!!! As she pulled out onto the main road she turned left, I turned right put my foot down and shot off!!!! Never had an online date since!!! I mean it wasn't her picture on profile, how many times does that happen !!!!!!!!!!!
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Your online dating experiences sound a lot like mine ha ha I could tell some funny stories about my experiences on a site called "plenty of fish" I kept the lads at work entertained for months with some of the situations I found myself in including a pair of swingers who thought it a good idea not to disclose they were still together when the female of the pair met me for a date

I've never left a house so quick in my life
 
ianthebuilder said:
Ok well last night we needed water in the tanks,, Jo went of with el presidente the guvnor of the well! I then was under instruction to grab the pipe ( which is heavy enough empty due to it being flexible 100 mm diamiter rubber pipe) but when the 120,000 litres an hour fills the pipe and descends upon you it's an entirely different matter!! Now I had to drag it 15 ft just to get in the vacinity of the tanks and climb a set of well used wobbly wooden steps we found in the shed! ( I was lucky it had one good rung) !! Right I said to Jo on the phone while she and his lordship were at the well ( some 5 mins drive away!!! I got this babe. All sorted. LET HER GO Turn her on. Well I've got a limited vocabulary me. The water hit the pipe which caught me squarely under the chin,, took me about 6 ft into the air and past 2 standing olive trees!! I was desparately holding on to what had transformed into a boa constrictor that was intent on finishing me off !!! Not wanting to let Jo down I grappled with the pipe through a haze of water and slowly dragged the pipe back to the tanks!! I heard her on the speaker phone asking if it was done and through gritted teeth I shouted. Nearly there babe. Another 5 mins please!! Well I dropped the pipe to pick up the ladder and it was off like a thing possessed !! Finally I wrestled it to the tanks, climbed the set of steps to the one God rung and dropped the pipe in the first tank!! Result I thought easy now!! When first tank was filled and remember 120,000 litres an hour are coming through it I had to lift it above my head to get into tank no 2 ,,, I had a good footing, I knew what to expect with the weight and I braced myself!! Lifting it out of tank 1. No problem. Reaching across to tank two was where I pointed the hose away from me but unfortunately it was pointed to the walk some 18 ins from my face!!! The wave that hit me was similar I think to an old spice advert where the bloke is under a massive wave at sea!! I got ( eventually ) the pipe across left it in the second tank and jumped of the crappy steps I was using!! I was bloody bruised and soaked !! I looked like a titanic survivor!!! Well Jo was on the speaker shouting ALL OK IAN ?? Yes I gargles and she turned it off!! Well when she got back she couldn't stop laughing at the state I was in as she showed me where her new set of perfectly formed, safe , solid , fully runged set of steps where!!!! I dragged myself back to helga feeling sorry for myself only to be serenaded by jo's howels of laughter ringing in my ears!!! When I saw her this morning she hadn't stopped laughing and is still sniggering now !!! What an evening !!!
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I literally laughed out loud at that ...
 
Northernraider said:
I found myself in including a pair of swingers who thought it a good idea not to disclose they were still together when the female of the pair met me for a date

I've never left a house so quick in my life
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I don't suppose you made a note of their details and address by any chance? :xrofl:

Cheers,

Jock. :xwink:
 
What are you looking for Ian's Christmas present Jock:xrofl:

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JockandRita said:
I don't suppose you made a note of their details and address by any chance? :xrofl:

Cheers,

Jock. :xwink:
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I can tell you they moved to Scotland from Essex ( she actually told me they were split and he was still in Essex) and now live in burntisland, she was a lovely lass but finding him hiding in the en suite after id been entertaining his other half was a shock ill tell you


I didn't catch his name
 
Northernraider said:
I can tell you they moved to Scotland from Essex ( she actually told me they were split and he was still in Essex) and now live in burntisland, she was a lovely lass but finding him hiding in the en suite after id been entertaining his other half was a shock ill tell you
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Lucky you. :xsurprised: .................... :xwink:
sweetie said:
What are you looking for Ian's Christmas present Jock:xrofl:
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No chance there @sweetie. I think Ian is more than capable of knowing what he actually wants for Christmas, without my intervention. :xrofl:


Cheers,

Jock. :xwink:
 
How do you save your page on these threads I'm only on page 38 but it's a pain finding my way back to it when I go for coffee breaks:)
 
click on go to first unread post
 
click on go to first unread post

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Hmmm doesn't seem to have that when using a phone there's nothing after the page numbers and can't see the dots
 
Northernraider said:
Hmmm doesn't seem to have that when using a phone there's nothing after the page numbers and can't see the dots
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Try bookmarking the last post you read, :xThumb:

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Northernraider said:
Hmmm doesn't seem to have that when using a phone there's nothing after the page numbers and can't see the dots
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You need to put the phone in landscape format to see the 'Go to last unread' prompt.
 
TheCaller said:
You need to put the phone in landscape format to see the 'Go to last unread' prompt.
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Northernraider said:
That dont work either
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That's odd. Works for me on my Android phone. I think I remember Jim posting it a while ago as a solution too.

Just noticed, not that it makes any difference, but the prompt is 'Go to the First Unread', not the 'Last' as I said earlier.
 
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TheCaller said:
That's odd. Works for me on my Android phone. I think I remember Jim posting it a while ago as a solution too.

Just noticed, not that it makes any difference, but the prompt is 'Go to the First Unread', not the 'Last' as I said earlier.
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I can't see it :(
Here's a screen shot of the first page I get when I reopen the thread
Screenshot_20171220-082550.png
 
Anthea M said:
Lovely to read your post again. Although no shower episodes !it was great to read! Sometimes it's not all about the money but obviously we all need it .you have gained such a lot from your experience, Spanish building skills , a much more relaxed lifestyle in Helga and a new lifelong friend in Jo! Wow all this in your first few weeks you will be King of the road in a few months time! Keep us posted as we all wish we had your courage to take the steps you have!(y):)
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How is Jo these days ianthebuilder ? As you can see I have only read this story up until this point, it will take a bit of time to read it all lol, lovely to read your old stories👍
 
ianthebuilder said:
Yes good choice laird. That Thailand thing has never appealed to me as soon as a single bloke gets on the plane they lump you in as a sex tourist!! And if I went I'd have a few beers aNd probably would weaken and become one!! Lololol
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This is very funny reading this post now😆😆😆😆
 

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