Anyone taken aged parent away in MH?

[Minxy]

Okay, here goes ... DON'T DO IT!

From your point of view you WON'T have a relaxing break, will be constantly on edge trying to ensure your gran is okay and worrying about what she's gonna break - my Mum nearly broke the washroom tap many years ago when she still had her full complement of 'nous' and couldn't get to grips with the cassette emptying at all. Even if nothing like this occurs not being able to get away from each other is likely to be a perfect storm for murder, or at least a falling out as you won't be able to relax for a second ... she will be used to having her own space and quiet time so you'd end up either going out and staying out when you don't want to or not doing what you want in order not to disturb her. Also, simple things like her wanting to get up in the night for the loo will be very confusing for her - she'll be used to her own home's layout and will likely end up waking you in her struggle to find the loo or need help.

As for your gran, she will be very, very set in her ways from what you've said and likely won't want to go anywhere anyway, my Mum is like that, we used to take her out for rides etc but the last time she played up and we nearly had to abandon the trip so we swore we'd never take her out in the camper again which we haven't. Oh, my Mum shores like a trooper too so when we did take her away for a few days to a MH show in 2001 at the age of 76 we got very little sleep. Another thing to consider is food, she will likely 'expect' a certain level of food and if you don't meet that expectation god help you (that's my Mum anyway!).

I totally understand your wanting to 'look after' her but IMV it will be a big mistake for you and her, if she won't accept help then just stock her up as best you can and have a holiday, you can contact her by phone, or possibly one of her neighbours to pop in if needs be. Unfortunately it may now be that you need to re-think how her needs are going to affect your holidaying going forward, which is likely to be negatively I'm afraid unless she is willing to accept others into her world. Been there, got the numerous t-shirts so I feel for you.

 

[Nanniemate]

Okay, here goes ... DON'T DO IT!

From your point of view you WON'T have a relaxing break, will be constantly on edge trying to ensure your gran is okay and worrying about what she's gonna break - my Mum nearly broke the washroom tap many years ago when she still had her full complement of 'nous' and couldn't get to grips with the cassette emptying at all. Even if nothing like this occurs not being able to get away from each other is likely to be a perfect storm for murder, or at least a falling out as you won't be able to relax for a second ... she will be used to having her own space and quiet time so you'd end up either going out and staying out when you don't want to or not doing what you want in order not to disturb her. Also, simple things like her wanting to get up in the night for the loo will be very confusing for her - she'll be used to her own home's layout and will likely end up waking you in her struggle to find the loo or need help.

As for your gran, she will be very, very set in her ways from what you've said and likely won't want to go anywhere anyway, my Mum is like that, we used to take her out for rides etc but the last time she played up and we nearly had to abandon the trip so we swore we'd never take her out in the camper again which we haven't. Oh, my Mum shores like a trooper too so when we did take her away for a few days to a MH show in 2001 at the age of 76 we got very little sleep. Another thing to consider is food, she will likely 'expect' a certain level of food and if you don't meet that expectation god help you (that's my Mum anyway!).

I totally understand your wanting to 'look after' her but IMV it will be a big mistake for you and her, if she won't accept help then just stock her up as best you can and have a holiday, you can contact her by phone, or possibly one of her neighbours to pop in if needs be. Unfortunately it may now be that you need to re-think how her needs are going to affect your holidaying going forward, which is likely to be negatively I'm afraid unless she is willing to accept others into her world. Been there, got the numerous t-shirts so I feel for you.

Take it your not going to take mother on the extended trip to Europe then

 

[Minxy]

Take it your not going to take mother on the extended trip to Europe then

I'm not even gonna tell her we're going otherwise she'll stop eating for a month which is what she did when we went to France/Spain March-May this year, when we went to Ireland & Scotland in July/August we didn't tell her either and she was fine, it was only toward the end that I had no choice to mention we were away (but not where) as she thought she'd broken her phone and couldn't understand why I wasn't able to just pop in to sort it out. The last time we went away the care home specifically asked us not to tell her, which we hadn't intended to do anyway due to how she'd been previously, as they had been at their wits end with her when she played up and refused to eat.

The last time I was there she wasn't carrying her phone around, so it means I can't easily contact her, not that she answers the ruddy thing anyway, I'll just ring the home and have a quick chat on the land-line with her every now and then.

I know she doesn't want to be in the home but she refused all help at her flat and left us with no choice but to look for a care home for her, it was either that or us spending at least 4-5 hours with her every single day to get her to eat, just as we had done and something we couldn't continue to do. Anyway, that's enough of that ... I don't want to divert the thread.

Off to beddie-byes now!

 

[Nanniemate]

I'm not even gonna tell her we're going otherwise she'll stop eating for a month which is what she did when we went to France/Spain March-May this year, when we went to Ireland & Scotland in July/August we didn't tell her either and she was fine, it was only toward the end that I had no choice to mention we were away (but not where) as she thought she'd broken her phone and couldn't understand why I wasn't able to just pop in to sort it out. The last time we went away the care home specifically asked us not to tell her, which we hadn't intended to do anyway due to how she'd been previously, as they had been at their wits end with her when she played up and refused to eat.

The last time I was there she wasn't carrying her phone around, so it means I can't easily contact her, not that she answers the ruddy thing anyway, I'll just ring the home and have a quick chat on the land-line with her every now and then.

I know she doesn't want to be in the home but she refused all help at her flat and left us with no choice but to look for a care home for her, it was either that or us spending at least 4-5 hours with her every single day to get her to eat, just as we had done and something we couldn't continue to do. Anyway, that's enough of that ... I don't want to divert the thread.

Off to beddie-byes now!

It is difficult but it comes to a stage where the professionals need to be engaged. My Gran ended her days in a care home and I often remember going to see her and she not knowing who we were. On one visit my father was greated by a little old lady with a big hug and her obviously thinking he was her son. We had the very awkward visit with a lady who did not know who we were and father had a lovely visit chatting about goodness knows what with a lady he had know idea who she was.

 

[Podney]

We could take Mum out in the van,all we’d need to do would be get her down from the mantelpiece and put the urn somewhere in the van where it wouldn’t tip over!

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[pelican]

Took the outlaws out last year haven't seen them since.....

One way trip?

 

[stewartwebr]

An event we would not repeat. We were planning a family get together, but all the local hotels were fully booked due to a golf tournament. My sister, who also has a Motorhome hatched a plan. She would borrow her Father in Laws Motorhome. She would drive hers and her husband would drive his Fathers and we would have 3 separate motorhomes for the weekend.
It became apparent very quickly that motorhoming was not for my parents. No matter how many times we explained it was not a constant water supply, my Mother continued to rinse cups under the running tap. Showering was similar with my Father complaining he ran out of hot water whilst shaving in the shower.
I smiled the next morning when my Mother explained something was “wrong” with the toilet. It was no longer flushing and she was having to put jugs of water down to flush. A quick look outside confirmed the cassette was overflowing. It made my day telling my brother in law.
I did ask my parents if they would consider buying one, not a chance was the reply. We often look back and laugh about that weekend. They are certainly not Motorhome people, they shall stick with their luxury hotel trips and we are all pleased about that

 

[Minxy]

I've just remembered another situation where my Mum's 'awkwardness' caused us to miss out on something - she was around 77 at the time and still staunchly independent and strong willed. We'd taken her in our MH to my nephew's wedding which was about 2 hours away, the intention was for me and hubby to stay in the MH in the car park (the hotel had agreed) and Mum was to stay in the hotel - I had a sprained back at the time so being able to lay down if I needed to was beneficial.

We had a lovely time and the reception was great (late afternoon), we then had a few hours before the evening disco etc with a BBQ/spit roast buffet which we were looking forward to (no dancing for me though!). We were able to have about an hour enjoying ourselves but then Mum started whinging and saying she wanted to go home. My nephew tried his best to get her to stay and we suggested she had a nap in the MH, or go to the hotel room, for a while but no, that wasn't what SHE wanted, she wanted to go home and do so immediately ... to say we were p*ssed off is an understatement. There was nothing we could do to change her mind, my nephew and his wife were upset that his Gran didn't want to stay and that we had to leave too, not something that was fair on them on their wedding day.

Oooo ... I'm off again ... sorry!

 

[Nanniemate]

I fu

I've just remembered another situation where my Mum's 'awkwardness' caused us to miss out on something - she was around 77 at the time and still staunchly independent and strong willed. We'd taken her in our MH to my nephew's wedding which was about 2 hours away, the intention was for me and hubby to stay in the MH in the car park (the hotel had agreed) and Mum was to stay in the hotel - I had a sprained back at the time so being able to lay down if I needed to was beneficial.

We had a lovely time and the reception was great (late afternoon), we then had a few hours before the evening disco etc with a BBQ/spit roast buffet which we were looking forward to (no dancing for me though!). We were able to have about an hour enjoying ourselves but then Mum started whinging and saying she wanted to go home. My nephew tried his best to get her to stay and we suggested she had a nap in the MH, or go to the hotel room, for a while but no, that wasn't what SHE wanted, she wanted to go home and do so immediately ... to say we were p*ssed off is an understatement. There was nothing we could do to change her mind, my nephew and his wife were upset that his Gran didn't want to stay and that we had to leave too, not something that was fair on them on their wedding day.

Oooo ... I'm off again ... sorry!

l fully understand her feelings I hate weddings especially the ones I'm expected to attend rather than would like to

 

[cyberyacht]

One way trip?

I wonder if a spade was involved.

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[Don Campbell]

Campscout … I’m not sure if I’d survive the others

We've got a Campscout. Sleeping is going to be interesting. I'm saying that because you say "our" and therefore assume there would be three of you. I don't think anyone can make a decision for you and so much depends on physical fitness.

 

[helzie2020]

It's both funny and sad reading the stories in this thread. Since both my parents, and my husband's father, are very long departed this world, we never had to worry about looking after them. My MIL did develop Alzheimer's but her eldest son looked after her as he was close by. In the early days of her illness, she emotionally traumatised another son when she turned to him late in the evening at a wedding reception and said, "I've just realised who you are".

But I do feel for our only daughter who will have the responsibility of looking after us when the time comes. I realise that dementia can change people's personalities but it's hard to image myself behaving as some of the parents in this thread do. It's depressing to think that I might change so much that I could act so apparently selfishly.

 

[Angleseyjj]

I have just lost my 94 yearold mother to Covid 19, acquired in hospital. Up to last Easter she was regularly motorhomng with us, although after 30 or 40 years of her camping/ caravanning/ motorhoming it was not necessary to explain how to operate a cassette toilet! A couple of suggestions might help:
1. Buy a toilet raiser e.g. https://www.jacksonsleisure.com/caravan/motorhome/spares/thetford/toilet/seat/raiser/
2. Itwas very difficult getting her wheelchair into the underbed storage because the hatch was barely big enough, so it had to go indoors. I attached some extra webbing to her seat belt attachment and the foot of her seat with a clip in between. The wheelchair pulled up tight against her seat and had the added advantage that it held her on the seat (she previously complained that she felt she was nearly thrown off into the aisle whenever I turned sharply right).
3. I attached some short but thick braided rope to an existing grab rail by the door so she could haul herself up more easily.
4. As she felt the cold, a warm rug to go over her knees meant we could drive without having the cab swelteringly hot.
5. Patience! Easier said than done, sometimes!

We went from Wales to England, France and Scotland - many happy memories.

JJ

 

[Hayesdec]

In previous years our children have been able to look in on their 90 year old independent Granny when we’ve been away. But life has changed.
Kids now away - one working up north, the other at Uni.
Granny had a nasty fall a couple of months ago resulting in a gruesome head injury. The really worrying thing was that she didn’t tell us, so by the time we got her to hospital, 4 days later, it was too late to stitch it.
She’s getting a bit forgetful. Nothing too bad so far but she can text me the same question 3 times in a day.

Which all leads us up wondering how best to go away on holiday. She’s fiercely independent and resists any suggestion of anyone looking in to check on her (though she did let the district nurse dress/check her wound).

One option is to take her away with us … we’re only talking 2-3 weeks at the moment.

Has anyone done this? Did it work?

We had the pleasure of mums company on our Moho trips for over 2 years. She too was nearly 90 and hated the thought of carers. It was an easy decision to take her with us or not go! So began our “Adventures before Dementia”. We would encourage her to help with the meals etc. She’d happily help with veg or salad preparation, and wash up. We put contact numbers on door for emergencies and she would read or watch TV or cuddle our little dog Tilly while we went for a walk or bike ride. We got her a ID bracelet just in case! She was so happy and we were relaxed knowing she was not lonely & safe. We went out for meals while doing her favourite past time of bargain hunting at boot sales or charity shops. We were very fortunate because we all got on so well & she was quite happy for us to have some together time while she amused herself. It was a fun time for all of us and the only reason we no longer take her is because of her and my mobility issues. She did come with one very useful item too. A blue disabled badge!

 

[Stavelot]

We take my parents (82 & 83) away every year to a rented cottage somewhere they've been to before, back when they were young & fit. They seem to really enjoy it. We, on the other hand, not so much. It's pretty stressful as we end up running around after them doing everything for them.

Their mobility is fairly limited so we go for drives out in the car (dad still drives but only locally) and to be honest it's like having a pair of squabbling kids in the back. We do all have a laugh but it can get quite fraught for us. We just grit our teeth. They're forever spilling drinks and food over the seats which drives me insane so we stock up on wet wipes and kitchen roll before we go.

We have considered the idea of taking them out in the motorhome for the day but I think it'd be too uncomfortable for them. Mum has arthritis and dad has hip issues and this limits their hours sitting in the car which is way more comfy than the van. Also we have a huge dog so us two fatties, a 10 stone dog and my fatty parents would be a bit of a squeeze!

This aside, they're ex-boaters so operating the loo and systems in the van is old hat to them, it's purely the level of comfort that the van provides which I think would be the issue.

So, we rent a cottage for a week which is a compromise for us but something they really enjoy. The thing I miss most about these weeks is not having my toilet with me when we're out on drives!

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[corconx]

Interested accounts. I had an family ‘aunt’ whom I was very close to - more like a mother to me - I asked if she’d like to come to France with me in the motorhome - she was 79 at the time. It would be just the two of us and she had never been camping ever or anything like it. We went for 10 days and having explained cassettes etc to her. All went well. We did some stopping on aires and a site for a few days. I suggested she could use the showers etc if she wanted and took her over, I explained that she should put her shoes up on the shelf out of the way so they didn’t get wet. She did try it one morning, but decided afterwards she much preferred to shower daily in our motorhome, as everything was close to hand, and nothing got wet. And it worked very well and we had a good 10 days, she said she enjoyed it.
But she was fit well and had all her marbles and I used to live in the company died at
But she was fit well and had all her marbles and I used to live in the company died at 90 years

Carol

 

[mamaco]

I have the same problem with my Stepdad, he won't wear his hearing aids, he is hard work sometimes.

Not about vans but I had the same problem with my mother. As an act of total frustration I told her if she was too rude to wear her hearing aids I wouldn’t talk to her. This worked and after a couple of weeks she’d forgotten that she had refused to wear them! But I’d have never taken her on holiday in a van - one of us would have murdered the other.

 

[Gillygrim]

Reading this thread makes me realise yet again how lucky I was with my wonderful mum. We first took her away in 2007 for her 90th birthday, five weeks touring France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Italy and back to France. She loved it so much that we continued the trips every year until just before her 100th birthday. By then she had become a little less mobile so we made it a couple of weeks in Normandy. We then drove to Le Havre, handed her over to the Brittany Ferries staff (who treated her like a queen) and my brother picked her up at Portsmouth. We continued with our own trips (gradually extended to three months) until Covid arrived. I rang mum a couple of times a week while away, knowing she was well looked after by my daughters, nieces and neighbours. She finally passed gently away last year, in her own bed, her own house, at 104, still remembering the lovely trips she'd so enjoyed. I know she was a lot more able than most of her age, still enjoying Tai Chi every week, shopping, cooking and sewing. She also rode a tricycle weekly until Lockdown. She'd been widowed at the age of 56 and I'd more or less taken over from my dad, helping with bills, maintenance, gardening etc. We flew and drove to many countries for good holidays. We had a wonderful relationship and when I met John he just fitted in seamlessly. Sorry to drone on - bottom line is, if your aged parent is anything like mine, do it !

 

[john prince]

Been reading the posts with much interest. Having married the love of my life, upon arriving back from our honeymoon, it transpires, we had married the entire In-Laws. With 40 years of running around after various Aunts and Brothers/Sisters, (MIL suffering from Munchausen's- someone who fakes illness to get care/sympathy), in 2021, actually diagnosed with Alzheimer's, 9 she forgot to feed the FIL, he passed last year. Oh, look Christmas is coming, all round to Cheryl and John's AGAIN! Can be tiring! (Actually, bought a Burstner this year, should have done it much earlier)!!

 

[Nanniemate]

Been reading the posts with much interest. Having married the love of my life, upon arriving back from our honeymoon, it transpires, we had married the entire In-Laws. With 40 years of running around after various Aunts and Brothers/Sisters, (MIL suffering from Munchausen's- someone who fakes illness to get care/sympathy), in 2021, actually diagnosed with Alzheimer's, 9 she forgot to feed the FIL, he passed last year. Oh, look Christmas is coming, all round to Cheryl and John's AGAIN! Can be tiring! (Actually, bought a Burstner this year, should have done it much earlier)!!

Being single is a choice with many benefits

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[Phill D]

Brought back memories of my gran escaping and going home to the house she lived in as a child. She would wonder in sit down and make herself comfortable. We'd get the the message to stop looking as she had turned up . Go to collect her and she be drinking tea and eating a sandwich .

I know this well!

 

[Nanniemate]

I know this well!

Ahe also used to swear blind she was not getting fed.

 

[Phill D]

Ahe also used to swear blind she was not getting fed.

She showed me her new kitchen one Sunday and proudly told me that her son had done a wonderful job putting it in for he.

She also asked me on another day, who was my mum! When told her that she was. She told that made her very proud.


Now I have to go.. I have something in my eye

 

[Phill D]

Sad but great memories

 

[Nanniemate]

Sad but great memories

You never think at the time that even the difficult times will make you smile.
My mother had one of those 'lovely' 1970's electric fires with the mock plastic coals . My Gran would clear her plate of crumbs and throw them in the fire

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[tabbert ffb]

Brought back memories of my gran escaping and going home to the house she lived in as a child. She would wonder in sit down and make herself comfortable. We'd get the the message to stop looking as she had turned up . Go to collect her and she be drinking tea and eating a sandwich .

I love that , good people do exist

 

[Linda farley]

Did a week in the aires of Brittany with parents at 70 and 72. Thank goodness the weather was lovely or they both might have come home in an urn. Love my parents to bits but sleeping, snoring, burping and farting in such close proximity plus the constant confusion of how to operate the toilet (one night I had to empty the cassette 3 times!!!) meant that it was the first and last time.
Good luck if you try - it could certainly make an interesting MHF blog.

It’s all relative isn’t it ? We are 70 and 72 and ii have had a stroke but as long as I don’t get too tired to get back into the van I love it. However the thought of taking any of my children or grandchildren with me fills me with anxiety when we picked a group up from stansted the ankle biters main competition was who could use the cassette most! I drove many miles with my mum who had dementia and loved to go on a trip. I don’t think I could have taken her in the Moho though and I know my hubby would have had a problem with it.

 

[Jimbohorlicks]

We used to take Lyns mum and dad out in the van,( when we had the seat belts) but just for day trip's. So we were self contained as it were and could pull up at fairly short notice for toilet or just to have a cuppa.
We didn't overnight with them as the day trips were stressful enough, but we always seemed to have an enjoyable day out.

 

[Forestbass]

In previous years our children have been able to look in on their 90 year old independent Granny when we’ve been away. But life has changed.
Kids now away - one working up north, the other at Uni.
Granny had a nasty fall a couple of months ago resulting in a gruesome head injury. The really worrying thing was that she didn’t tell us, so by the time we got her to hospital, 4 days later, it was too late to stitch it.
She’s getting a bit forgetful. Nothing too bad so far but she can text me the same question 3 times in a day.

Which all leads us up wondering how best to go away on holiday. She’s fiercely independent and resists any suggestion of anyone looking in to check on her (though she did let the district nurse dress/check her wound).

One option is to take her away with us … we’re only talking 2-3 weeks at the moment.

Has anyone done this? Did it work?

We managed to book my 92 year old mother a temporary respite place at a local Care Home when we travelled to Scotland for 3 weeks. She wasn’t happy (!) although we sold it to her as a break from her usual routine (no meals to cook etc) In the end she loved it, and chose to move there permanently earlier this year. Not the cheapest option, but worth a thought?

 

[nev robinson]

In previous years our children have been able to look in on their 90 year old independent Granny when we’ve been away. But life has changed.
Kids now away - one working up north, the other at Uni.
Granny had a nasty fall a couple of months ago resulting in a gruesome head injury. The really worrying thing was that she didn’t tell us, so by the time we got her to hospital, 4 days later, it was too late to stitch it.
She’s getting a bit forgetful. Nothing too bad so far but she can text me the same question 3 times in a day.

Which all leads us up wondering how best to go away on holiday. She’s fiercely independent and resists any suggestion of anyone looking in to check on her (though she did let the district nurse dress/check her wound).

One option is to take her away with us … we’re only talking 2-3 weeks at the moment.

Has anyone done this? Did it work?

Well we are both into our 70s and cope quite well…

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